| My new LJ |
[Aug. 22nd, 2007|01:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | DemocracyNow | ] |
I've been writing under a new name for a while now... come friends... come...
Prettyobserver |
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| Survey.. bored |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|12:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
1 )Was 2006 a good year for you?
Not particularly.
2) What was your favourite moment of the year?
Hmmm... tough one...
3) What was your least favourite moment of the year?
When I realised that my boyfriend had moved away without telling me, realising my dependence. Bad moment.
4) Where were you when 2006 began?
At Asam's, I think
5) Who were you with?
Asam
6) Where will you be when 2006 ends?
I was home, in bed.
7) Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
I was all alone.
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2006?
I resolved never to make another resolution. I kept it.
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
See above
10) Did you fall in love in 2006?
I met Henock whom I love. Fell in crazy lust though.
11) If yes, with who?
Henock, I guess.. but wouldn't call it love.
12) If yes, do they know?
In his way, yes.
14) You regret it?
No regrets
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2006?
Several times
16) Did you make any new friends in 2006?
Yes, great ones, like Marla, Allison, Micheal, Matt, and Corinna (I think that was 2006)
17) Who are your favourite new friends?
Marla, Matt... all of the above
18) What was your favourite month of 2006?
December... spent lots of time with friends, had time off.
19) Did you travel outside of Canada in 2006?
nope
20) How many different places did you travel to in 2006?
Ooh... none.
21 Did you lose anybody close to you in 2006?
Thankfully no
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, Henock... alot. To a certain degree, other Jessica.
23) What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2006?
The Corporation
24) What was your favorite song from 2006?
Let's Make Love - CSS
25) What was your favorite record from 2006?
CSS - Cansei De SerSexy
26) How many concerts did you see in 2006?
Hmmm... none that I can recall.
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2006?
no
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2006?
More than usual I guess, though I'm not a big drinker.
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2006?
Yes.
30) How many people did you sleep with in 2006?
That would require a pen and paper. Less than 20
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Oh, almost every day
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2006?
Told my mom someone broke into my apartment.
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2006?
Yes. Many someones
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2006?
Yes. Karma?
36) How much money did you spend in 2006?
Whatever my income was, around $28,000
37) What was your proudest moment of 2006?
I don't know...
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006?
Trying to prevent this girl from cutting in line (it happens every day), she pushed me and I fell on my face on bus floor.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be?
Nothing.
40) What are your plans for 2007?
Keep losing weight, get a computer, set up a freelance design business, travel, be able to understand basic conversational Arabic. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2006|02:41 pm] |
Just to prove my hipness (or the hipness of Asam, who discovered this), I'm posting a video-link before these hot girls get too famous. And they will.
Alala By Cansei De Ser Sexy |
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| Nothing good |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|02:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
"Yeah, no one said life was easy..... But no one said that's nothing's supposed to happen right. No one told me anything...."
Suicide is more appealing than ever. My so-called best friend has stopped talking to me again, leaving me even more depressed and unable to control tears. I cry almost anywhere now. Bus, work, walking down the street. My other two friends spend all of their time together, and besides I have nothing to give but negativity anyways. I told Henock I'm thinking of moving to Calagary, but I'm really just in need of support and I know he can't give it. But affection and hot sex are nice subsitutes. I'm scared to make a commitment with this huge lack of trust. I still think he's been cheating, but will I ever find better? Likely not, so I might as well settle.
I can't do this anymore. I'm going to do something drastic. |
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| What did you say? |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|03:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work on a break | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wastin my time - Lighthouse? | ] |
So, I tried speaking Arabic to strangers yesterday for the first time ever. Predictably, they squinted, looked confused and said "HUH?"
Ana Ooreedoo Aqua (I want water), and I know I said it right.
I knew they were going to say it was wrong, and I reminded them that I am learning standard Arabic, not colloquial, so I ignored their counter-lesson. They assumed I was Israeli. Ugh. How offensive. The art of conjugation in Arabic is far superior to English. I love it! Then Matt picked me up and drove me home, had some beers and shot the breeze. LOL. Saw Frank anf forgave him for not licking my pussy. I told him to NEVER ask for oral again unless he's willing to give it. I'll slap that motherfucker if he does.
Matt is having a party Friday and I want to be invited with my birthday posse.
Yay! Tomorrow is my bday!
This Friday
I'll be drinking at Sneaky Dee's after 10pm til about 2am or so. Wanna come? Come! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|05:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
Hennock is leaving today and I'm already sad. No more warm body next to mine... what a nice week it was though.
Matt and I saw "Avenge but one of my two eyes" by Avi Mograbi on Friday and it was ok. Kind of boring. I kind of wish we had stayed for the talk with the director, but the first comment was so utterly ridiculous that we bailed out the back door, leaving all of those hot Arab guys behind. Yummmm... Nothing happened with Matt either, much to my chagrin... I even caught myself thinking about him when I was with Hennock Saturday night. SHOCKING!
Gasim is coming home on Monday, I think. I miss him so much too! Why do my men always seem to co-ordinate their arrivals and departures? HamdurAllah, Ramadan is over for another year!
Arabic is coming along quite nicely. Only one more payment to go. The alphabet is kicking my butt, though! What the fuck is emphatic "th" in a language that already has 2 ways to say "th"? But I love Arabic. Asam said that I'm showing off. But he's just jealous cause he only speaks Paki language! LOL! Conjugation of verbs SUCKS! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|11:49 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Deceptacon - Le Tigre | ] |
Extreme moodiness comes almost day by day at this point.
I've been living in a dream thinking that I was happy being single. I'm a Libra whose sole goal in life to this point was finding a mate. Maybe I was, am, happy. How can I not know myself to this extent? How fucked up is that? I can't even decide what I feel and why half of the time. I really like Matt. Matt is the perfect man who could have anyone he wants, so why would he want me? Just because we get along famously, share a gazillion interests and can talk and laugh for hours, that's no reason to like me. Half the time I cry uncontrollably and the other half I am elated. To be free, to be learning in a classroom again. Then I remember that men only look at me when my boobs are hanging out and I can't shake this feeling that I will be single forever and then I think "hey lucky me" but then I allow thoughts of Gasim waiting for me to come home with oven mitts on and I just want to die. After all this time without a post and I just post the same no-one-could-give-a-fuck-if-they-tried crap that I've been posting for years. It's this constant realisation that gets me down sometimes. Of the double standard, of fat phobia.
I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to be friends with Matt because I crave intimacy and that I'm going to fuck things up in my usual indirect style. I'm scared that I'll remember just how good it felt to be in Hennock's arms and I'll stop caring about the lies again. I know now that I can live happily without him, but I wonder if that was because I knew he was coming back.
Wow. I actually feel better. Thanks LJ. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|07:28 pm] |
I think I'm getting canned tomorrow. The bitchy office queen was NICE to me this mroning and that really made me wonder WTF is going on?
The John Oakley show is left-wing propagandist BULL Shit! Here's the letter I sent to the programming director, Gord Harris, in regards to a recent show topic about Afghanistan:
( Suck my left one, Oakley ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|08:59 pm] |
The cats gots to GO!
One of these MOFOs shit in front of the door 3 times this week, always when i was late and on my way out! I hate cleaning up shit.
Then, I came home yesterday and found a surprise! A nice, big urine-scented wet spot on my new $250 futon! FUCKING YAY!
Anyone want to save a cat's life? Cause if I don't find someone to take these cats I'm gonna FUCKING KILL THEM!
ARG! |
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| Sorry, C. Fetal position: Come here |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|08:12 pm] |
I just want you back, H.
Missed calls and bad memories are too much to take right now. I bet you're in some kind of trouble and need help. That's the only reason you'd call, right? I cry so hard at night in my bed that my whole body shakes. I miss you terribly. Even the cold office environment can't freeze the tears. I still think you might just drop in as suddenly as you left. I want to be desired again. Getting validation from men is so much easier than building up self-esteem.
Never has anyone played me like you. Never has anyone gotten me like you do. Oh God. Can't decide if I should pray for money or you. My punishment was too severe for my crime. You should have said goodbye. You should have held me one more time.
Amir wants to see me. He won't lick pussy. Can't decide if I should torture him by getting him excited first, or just shoot him straight down.
I'm an asshole who is incompatible with social butterflies like you, C. Can't you tell that I just feel rejected by you and your group? I just wanted so badly to fit in. Somewhere. Anywhere.
And I don't know why that's so important, except as a filler for family. |
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| I wasn't tagged but whatevah |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|08:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | leaving work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chatter | ] |
Five words that are on my mind right now:
1. coin
2. operated
3. boy
4. yeah
5. mature
Five things that make me happy:
1. kissing
2. truth
3. being helpful
4. intteligent conversation
5. animals
Five things that annoy me:
1. really LOUD people
2. constipation
3. sweating
4. humidity
5. ignorance
Five things the opposite sex would love about me:
1. my huge boobs
2. my love of sex
3. my cooking
4. My eagerness to please those who deserve it
5. My open-mindedness
Five things the opposite sex would find annoying about me:
1. I'm way too needy
2. I trust no one, especially men
3. My selfishness
4. I'm lazy
5. I'm not generally monogamous
Five places I want to visit someday:
1. South America (If only I can find a way to by-pass the US)
2. India
3. Africa
4. italy
5. Scotland
Five girls' names I like:
1. Almost anything Arabic, like Samarra, Humaira, etc etc
2. Jill
3. Marla
4. Corinna (seriously)
5. Taylor
Five boys' names I like:
1. Morgan
2. Jaoquin
3. Carlos
4. Taylor
5. Phil McCraken (say it aloud)
Five people I'd like to answer this quiz:
I likely won't read their answers anyways so it doesn't matter |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|11:54 am] |
Way to prove me wrong people. So, commenting about not getting comments will get people to comment, eh? Shocking!
On the bright side I know what I want to do with my life, or at least right now. My horoscope convinced me even further : "You'll finally find out what you really want to be". A miserable bitch? Maybe. A bitter angry woman? Already am. A documentor of human stupidity? Certainly. A thorn in the side of the literary community? I can only hope.
My "free palestine" button is certainly raising some eyebrows. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|04:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Double Dare Ya - Bikini Kill | ] |
Happy Bday Corrina. I won't even thank you for inviting me. Oops.. will that get me banned from your list again? Meh. I don't fucking care anyways.
I've accepted my solitude. I think it's essential for my well-being and self-discovery anways. LJ just pisses me off most of the time too. No comments, no audience. I don't all this crap for myself. No friends.
But Jessica, you're so negative! FUCK YEAH! I'm miserable and the fucking world is falling apart, how should I be?
I swear. I could be standing on a bridge ready to jump and SCREAMING for someone to just have a conversation with me, and with one exception or two, you bitches would not even notice. And I say bitches in the nicest possible way. As someone with no friends left to lose.
I'm just lonely and cranky. I know that when I do lose weight and suddenly everyone accepts me, I am going to be terribly resentful. It'll make me hate my Grandma and my Dad even more. "Oh, you look so great!!" I can hear you all now. Like, now you're thin you're ok. I've seen it happen to many ex-fatties and it's appaling. Only now, at 28, do I realise what a profound effect this fat has had on my life. How much I've avoided, feared and neglected because it's still ok, for whatever reason, to make fun of fat people.
Now I just wasted a whole break writing this stupid shit that only I will read.
Bikini Kill rocks and I got an email from Stink Mitt.
99% sure writing is the right path for me now. An example:
( Lick my Crown, MOFO! ) |
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| Friends Only Again |
[May. 24th, 2006|02:22 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  working | ] |
Wanna read all the nasty stuff I wrote about you?
Then get ya'self added! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2006|11:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work - on a break | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Broken Social Scene - It's all gonna break | ] |
Blah. I feel sick. I wonder... (harp music plays) if offices gave more sick days... would fewer people come to work sick? Micheal Moore once theorized about this. I think it's very likely. I know that a few were out with the flu this week and I've been feeling like crap all afternoon. Now, if I'm sick tomorrow and have to call in, it'll look like I'm faking cause I already asked for the day off.
I'm wearing my butter shirt today (hope you liked the cookies, Cleo) and I thought I sprayed perfume over the side where the butter spilled, but no... it was on the other side. All I've been smelling all day is butter. I washed the shirt after the initial incident (of spilling melted butter on it) and it smelled ok, had no visible stain, etc etc... but then today... Butter's a funny word. Say it a bunch of times with an emphasis on the "uh". Teehee.
I enjoyed something today that I used to enjoy very often and hardly ever do anymore. I sat in the park and finished reading The Ethical Slut. Well, almost finished it. Point is, I spent some lovely time in the park. It was beautiful. I am still totally enamored of pigeons. I think they're so cute and the way people, grown men in particular, behave with their little 10 lb. dogs is hilarious.
Is it just me, or are guys EXTRA hot in the summer? Could that explain why I am extra-horny?
Work sucks and we're so busy and this fucking TWIT behind me is always reading a newspaper. I feel like crap and wanna go home and if she would only do some WORK we could finish that much sooner. Every time I hear that thin, glossy-page turn to the next, I want to say something like "So, what's going in the world today?" or "Since we're gonna be here all night, why don't you enlighten us on the current issues of today". Mostly, I just want to shove paper clips in her ears.
Asam is sad and that makes me kinda sorta sad too. It's so hard to just listen sometimes, without sympathising, or empathising, or validating, or relating. To just shut the fuck up and listen. But I can, and will, when and if he's ready. Cheer up little soldier... The war's been won! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! |
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| Vulnerability |
[May. 16th, 2006|03:07 am] |
Ok. SO I’m feeling vulnerable and insetad of just expressing that honestly, I chose to lash out at anyone and everyone. This has always been my typical MO (assigning blame) and I want to change this. I’m scared because I have no savings and alot of the time I really do feel alone. I know I have a few AWESOME friends, but it’s not fair to always depend on them, especially when they have their own problems to deal with and when they try and talk to me, I seem uninterested. Not that I am, but I appear not to care.
I’m scared because I don’t know myself. I’m scared because I think almsot everyone is more beautiful than me and that I will always be left behind for someone better.
I’m mad because I KNOW BETTER! I know that confidence makes me sexy, happiness makes me attractive and that no one, no matter how hot or thin she may be or which one of my boyfriends is checking her out, is responsible for my misery but me. I have to remember that it’s ok to feel insecure, jealous and lonely. Jealousy is conquerable once allowed to run it’s course. So what if I don’t get invited to the club? So what if he’s busy all weekend when we had plans? So what if he doesn’t want to listen to me talk about my broken relationship for another hour?
So.. I get i get i get it! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2006|12:52 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Foreigner - Juke Box Hero | ] |
Reading over comments was a mistake. I'm a bit cranky again.
Slacker-girl at work is really gettting on my nerves again. I hope I get moved to the day shift.
Most of my recent posts have been purely negative so I decided to start yet another journal, one where I only vent, rant, rave... etc etc... and another one that's no one's damn business.
Thank you for finally admitting you don't invite me anywhere. It makes my feelings feel more valid. If you'd actually include me in a conversation from time to time I might not feel uncomfortable. (What is she talking about??) Of course I'm gonna say no on Saturday nights since I work Sunday mornings, which is the only time you ask me to do anything. Do I smell or something?
I'm sure I'm just dealing with my own crap and I shouldn't be lashing out. But I don't fucking care!!!! This is a journal, and it's become too much of a show-off forum where the writing isn't for me but the inattentive audience.
So. I feel bitter, lonely and unable to relate the mostly phony people I meet. I still refuse to become fake and superficial just to fit in.
I don't even know what I'm complaining about anymore. Everyone should read "The Ethical Slut". I'm breaking all of the rules from what I just read. |
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